just some feelings, ya know?

This week, more than ever, I was reminded of how quickly things can change. Of how one text or phone call can alter your whole reality. This week was rough for many people that I hold near and dear. It was one of those weeks where the universe kept taking shots and, just as you managed to find a bar to pull yourself up, an even bigger blow landed. It was not the first week like this. Nor will it be the last. And every time I survive another one, and I always manage to survive, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I spend my time. All the time I’ve wasted. All the time I’ve laughed….hated….cried. And the thinking always comes back around to one thing: how I want to spend the rest of my life. And this week, I thought about that the most.

I’m in my first year out of college. Working in a field I never thought I’d be in, and that’s caused a lot of inner turmoil. Am I selling out for taking this job? Am I a hypocrite? Greedy? Self-involved? Am I not as motivated by equality and fairness as I once thought I was? Before I officially took the job, I spent a lot of time crying and weighing the pros and cons. At the time, I was deciding between an actual job offer and……well, nothing. So it felt dumb at the time, and still kind of does, getting so worked up over something that felt like choosing between one option. Before I officially accepted, a good friend told me “This isn’t a cell phone contract. You’re not signing your life away.” But it felt like that. And feels like that. Especially this week. The universe took its hits, and with every strike I thought “the next time this comes where do I want to be? Do I want to be here?” And it was terrifying that I didn’t have an answer. That I don’t have an answer. Becuase I don’t know where I want to be. It seems like every single day I go back and forth between satisfaction and frustration with where I am. Do I like the road I am on right now? Do I want to try and do it on my own? Can I do both? Do I need to answer all these questions right now?

This week was overwhelming and my thoughts on it didn’t help. The truth is that the world will keep turning and the thoughts will keep coming. I do not know where I will be the next time the universe takes a hit, all I know is that tomorrow I will wake up, get dressed, and begin anew. And so will you.

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